My week...

The week's not even half over yet and I'm real beat...
3 tests in the past 2 days...
Another 2 on Friday.

Wonderful no?
That makes the average number of tests per day a grand total of.... ONE!
A freaking one -.-

Haiz
Not to mention the school has to be stupidly idotic and place bio and chem on the SAME day one AFTER the OTHER.

Friday it'll be BOTH the languages which I'm totally clueless in.

Great huh?
Life can't get any better.

Oh wait.
It can.

It seems all my non-language common tests are after the holidays, so yay my holidays are forced to be spent on studying!
Not only that I've got to learn to make Kimchi as well ! -.-

OHHHHH you just gotta hear this.
The best part of my holiday has been postponed as well.
The GERMANY trip has been postponed due to swine flu.
WHOOO HOOOOOO!

I have OFFICIALLY NOTHING to look forward to YAY

No Germany Trip.
Yes homework.
Yes study.
Yes kimchi.

At least I have salsa....
Haiz.....

Happier note

Whooo it's fei's Birthday today.
Happy Birthday fei!

Lol I suddenly feel very old. ><
But yea la, I ain't that much older than her....

Lol.
So... She's the first in our family to get an mp3 mp3, not the handphone mp3.
I'm happy for her I guess.

While we were wrapping her presents today, we started talking about presents.
We realised that fei got the first mp3.
Rusty got the first psp.
I got the first.... Dunno?
Jol got first... dunno?
Ri.... No idea either. A matter of time.

It feels weird ya know.
Having your young sibling getting something you never had before you have.
Ah but it's no great lost.

I may feel envious and jealous....
But I can't do a thing about it.

It isn't something I really wanted or want anyway....I think ><

Forgotten

You forgot didn't you?
Yea I guess you did.

I tried refraining myself from reminding you.
I find I appear desperate.
The only one who wanted it.

Since it's not important enough to care about....
To remember...

Why should I bother?

The thing is I do.
Unfortunately.

Because you forgot....
I feel out of place.
Uncomfortable.
Uneasy.
Lonely.

Do I mean anything at all to you?

I am merely someone to keep you company when no one else will?

I seriously don't know.

I had a random talks with one of my friends...

Maybe it's just me.

I care to much.
Think too much.
Feel too much.

It's me who makes myself unhappy, uncomfortable, lonely and such....

We were talking...
She told me, her first meeting with me was scary.

She said I looked unsociable and scary.
Am I really?
Do I look that unapproachable?

Maybe I do.
How do you make one look more approachable oO?

.........................

Hey

Hey its been awhile.

There's no difference.
I'm just as bored with school.
The same falling asleep in lectures and class.
The same late work.
The same teachers.
The same environment.

But.... Not the same dance steps!
YAY!
Moving on to Intermediate.
We'll be starting our lesson this sat.
Can't wait!

I want to join more classes....
I brought it up once when my parents were there....
My dad... Wasn't supportive.
He just had to burst my bubble...

Ballroom/ social dance is my current interest.
Can't he give me something to gush over and be all hyped up for?

I know the uni has them...
So what?
That's a while back.
I've been postponing joining lessons since like forever.
I only finally took the step and started this year.

Haiz.
Nevermind, I shan't let him affect me.
I know these stuff will affect the time I have left for studying.
I know I need the time badly too.
But still...
Haiz....

I'm still going to look for more lessons.
Since the only person who will join me for any of these lessons (xd) wants the lessons to be either on waltz, tango or foxtrot, my range is rather little.
Nevermind!
Hope there'll be a lesson starting soon somewhere nearby.

Yo...

Yozy...

I'm freaking tired.

I've been so for the past few days..

No idea why -.-

Which is why I currently have a whole pile of homework to complete in my supposed weekend.
But guess what?
Saturday has passed and it's now Sunday.
I guess I won't be finishing them.

Man... I feel like such a failure.
Why can't I be like the others and DO my work.
Why do I have to feel so drained after I get home every night -.-
So much so I can't think straight, don't even start on studying and doing my homework...

Fantastic.
Great.
Wonderful.

CCA is officially 2 days a week now.
Which brings the number of free days to 1. (weekday)
Tuesday.
Yay.

Or not.
Since it's the only early day, it's used for extra lessons/ make up lessons/ consultations / lectures....

WOW.
WONDERFUL.

At least I've still got Salsa....
But it's already the 6th lesson....
I hope he'll continue teaching...

It's the only time I don't think about the mountain of homework I have to so much as start on....

Chinese tuition's been .... great?
I'm thinking of asking her if she can teach me twice a week again.
I really need it....

Maybe I'll ask the "boss" there if I could possibly go to the center after school on my ONLY free day, to make use of the facilities to study...

This sucks...

Again

You did it again....

I should have expected that.

In fact... I did.

I just hoped....

That you wouldn't...

Guilty...

Why is it you make me feel guilty for doing things which others can easily do?
Why is it you make me feel guilty for such small things?

You did it again ya know.
You made me feel like shit.
You made me chose, because you phrased it such that emitted your disapproval.

You happy now?
I'm doing it your way.

Hah....

Today

So... today has been one of the most slackish days since school started.

I feel guilty for indulging...

Haiz...

But it was fun.

Met up with the others.
Hmm first time in 2 weeks whereby everyone was there.
I think.

So yea.. went to school for a freaking 1 hour -.-
So waste time...
I could have slept longer instead...

Then met jenny, was suppose to have mac but it was overpopulated with Saints :P

I called xd.
Jenny called Kel.
It was funny ><

Since I called first so naturally xd picked up first.
Though I have to say I was rather surprised.
The sleepy hello which I've missed pretty much told me it was the phone call which woke her up.
Talked, asked, discussed.

In the meantime ( while i was still talking to xd), Jenny called kel.
And conveniently passed his phone to me.
So there i was, holding 2 phones.

I practically had the same conversation all over again.
I was also greeted with a sleepy hello.

That's the funny part. ><
The sleepy hellos :P

Ok... So.. got to amkss...
Collected cert...
Went for lunch.
Stoned.
Left.
Back to school.
CCA meeting.
Melted.
Got burnt.
Perspired.
Ended.

Met Kel and xd for movie.
Marley and me.
Wasn't that great.
Wasn't bad either.

AND THEN.
Me and xd did the paint thingy which I was deprived of when i was still considered a child.
I looked so stupid there.
In my jc uni ( thank god not my full u ><), sitting on the ground, since sitting on the chair gave me no leg space whatsoever, not to mention a backache, doing the art thingy.

Lol it was fun.
Kel was looking at us with horrific amusment ><
Sorry for dragging you along again!
I know you were bored :P

But I think my Winnie-the-pooh came out rather alright :D

Yay me!

Chinese tuition

Whoo hoo!

I've finally started my chinese tuition.
Not to mention... I've got the same teacher!
YES!

The only way I've been able to survive tuition last year is due to the fact that it was her who taught me.

With her I have more confidence ><
She's my favorite Chinese teacher.
The only teacher who has made Chinese anywhere remotely close to interesting :D

I'm glad I've started tuition.
I know I need it badly.
The earlier I start the better.

Unfortunately, my teacher is high in demand.
Her schedule is packed to the brim ><
I'm thankful she has agreed to slot me in somewhere.

I'm her only current JC student.
Thus it'll be a slightly harder job for her.

I've told her this before.
But I want to say it here too.

Thanks! ><

Finally

It's finally the holidays...

FINALLY.

It'll all be over soon though.
The first 2 days of the week are already occupied with school.
Wednesday is currently my only free day.
Thursday and Friday going Malaysia.

Haiz...
It'll be over all too soon.

Ok... MSA1 just ended yesterday.

I'm officially failing them all.
It'll seriously be a miracle if I do pass.
I have to admit that I didn't study.
So I guess the marks I get would be deserving.
But still.....

ROAR.

I really really need to get back to study mood...
I don't even care about exams...
How can that be?

It used to matter a lot.
Now... I just sleep the day away...
HOW?!

I've decided.
That I won't come online during the weekdays except when there is a need to do projects.
During the weekends, I'll have to chose to either be online during the day or at night.
I've also decided to take up my mum's offer to tutor my brother in science.

The thing is... It's Primary 6 science.
Totally different from what I know now.
So I shall just give it a try.

I offered to tutor my other two sisters, as they were closer to my level, and would in turn help me revise for my own lessons as well...
However my mum refused, saying that she would see first.

As for timetable...
I have no idea how to do that.
If i reach home early, I'll eat, shower and then...
When I attempt to start reading my notes for example, I'll end up nodding off.
So I'll take a nap and waste the remaining time of the day away...
Wake up before dinner and then... every one's home.
So.. do nothing again.
Wonderful....

I feel like a failure.
I've accomplished nothing.
At the rate I'm going...
I won't accomplish anything.

MSA

It's the first set of tests/exams and I'm doing nothing.

Really, I'm doing nothing.

I'm still totally in holiday mood.
I haven't seriously studied.

Even today, I slacked half the day away and even till now, I haven't exactly touched my stuff.
Haiz...

I keep telling myself that it'll be fine.
That I'll pass even without studying...

But I know I won't.
I'm just deluding myself.

There were 3 tests today.
Total crap.

Chinese...
I tried spending the day before re-writing the compo we had done before since my teacher said the question that would come out, would be along those line.
I rewrote it using p6 Chinese examples...
Since narrative was the only option given, and I haven't written one in Chinese since like forever.
So I wrote it, and tried memorising it.
And fell asleep half way.

The next morning I was panicking.
I revised what i had memorised in my head even while the national anthem was playing.
While they were having scripture reading and prayer, i was busy finishing up the last few paragraphs.

Then guess what?
I totally forgot them all when it was time to write.... -.-
So Chinese screwed.

Now next..
GP.
Ok that's definitely a fail too.
I had no idea how to paraphrase and substitute words.
I couldn't even think.
What's another word for happiness? -.-

Yay.
After that... chem....
I was suppose to have 1 hour of chem tutorial before a half an hour break and then the actual test.
Guess what?
My teacher didn't even come.
So we didn't get to ask her stuff.

The test was the worst of all.
I think only 1 out of 27 finished the paper.
I'm one of the 26....

Great huh?
It'll seriously be a miracle if i pass all my exams....

Cross Country

Yay!
Isn't cross country great huh?
Wonderful no?

-.-
NO.

Bleugh.
Unfortunately I had mine today.
Yay me~

I didn't run though.
I just wasted time walking in a loop of 3.6km.

And wonderful, my old injury is acting up yet again.
Not to mention that I have PE for the next 2 days...
Which I'll definitely have to run...
Sucks man...

Z.

I hate pe.
I hate running.
I hate the shorts! (It's short!)
ROAR!

I wanna get the guy shorts, but it'll be like totally weird... T.T

So.. we ended early then they told us.
I had time to kill before supposedly meeting the guys at pp.
Which didnt happen by the way.

So.. I just tagged along with my class and followed them to pp.
I knew I was gonna eat with the others, so I just told my class to go ahead and chose non-halal stuff.
Then, I got wonderful news that jenny won't be able to make it.
So the plans changed.
Meeting at ps instead~

Eh Kel, I just realised that lunch convo was one of the serious ones in a long time o.o
Eh but cool.
Gotta know more about how you think :P

Ok anyway..
Noooooooo, I didn't find my salsa cd! T.T
So sad :(

Out of place

I feel so.. out of place.
I'm happy to have made it and gotten into the cca of my choice.
But again... I don't feel that I belong there.

The 2 rounds of elimination and I'm one of the few left standing.
I should be pound of myself no?

Why don't I feel so?

I keep wondering how it was I even got there.
What was it I had that convinced them to chose me?
Why me?
Why not someone else?
What did they see?

As I look at everyone else there... I feel inferior...
Everyone else was open and having fun.
Everyone had a group of friends.
Or at least a friend with them.
I didn't.

At least there's someone from my class too.
She's great.
A great person.
It's not surprising she got in.
But how in the world did I?

I keep asking myself.
What is it I have that the others didn't?
I still come up blank.

I don't think there's anything special about me.
I don't have any ability whatsoever.

Again, as I look around me at those other great people that have been chosen.
A fear comes up within me and I start to panic...
What if I do something wrong?
What if.. the teachers find that they made a mistake in choosing me?
What if...

I've never felt so uncertain and insecure.
I keep thinking that my every move is checked.
That within a group filled with great people, I'll be standing out...
Not as the greatest, but one of the worst...

I'm afraid I won't do well enough.
I'm afraid I'll be given the boot.

Change

I hate change.

I just realised how much I tend to cling on to what has been.
Sometimes I think I'm the only one.
Everyone else moves on.
But I feel as though I'm stuck.

I keep feeling and thinking that I'm the only one who wants what was.

Is it so bad to feel this way?

I think that thinking this way leaves me less open to other situations and people.
It's a hindrance as it narrows my mind-set and leaves me restricted.
I'm looking for sameness.
Something/someone who had something in common with what I had.

I miss what was.
But perhaps it's only me who does.
Everyone else seems rather unaffected by it.

Now I have to start from scratch again.
Adapting to the environment, to the lesson, to the curriculum, to the people.
I hate it.

I feel out of sorts.
In a maze on my own and no one to accompany me.

I don't know if it's true, but perhaps I'm a bit to reserved.
Do I emit some aura which just screams go away leave me alone?
I dunno man.

JC

Jc...
It's just one word.
Crap.

It's totally sucky.
And full of suck.

To think I thought secondary school was bad.

Every one's studying.
I'm not.

Teachers don't exactly make the lessons anymore easier to understand either.
Going at paces where almost no one can catch up with, just so to meet the time.

In the end, what do we get?
Nothing.
Just a carbon copy of the teachers underlined words, circled numerals and unreadable scribbling.
Anything in my head?
No.

And they want us to go for an exam...
I think I'm like just gonna flunk everything.
I 'm quite sure I will fail my very first Chinese exam of the year...
At the rate I'm going.. I'm bound to fail the others too..

I'm starting to panic...
What if...
I'm just not good enough to be promoted?
I don't want to waste another year!

HOW?!

Only way is to study...
Haiz...
How appealing...

SALSA

WHOOO HOOOOO!
I'm continuing salsa!

YES!

OMG salsa is like so cool.
Not to mention fun!

I'm so happy~
Salsa always makes my day :P

Today was the last lesson for the salsa elementary stage 1 course.
We just signed up for the salsa elementary stage 2 course :D
Weeeeee~

So I'm still attending the lesson on the same day at the same time :D

I wish I could join other ballroom/social dances.
But there are certain restrictions.
1. No one to join with me.
2. It there is, time may clash.
3. Time constrain. (I'll always make time for it!)
4 Venue. The CC here only has like one new ballroom/social dance course per month.
5. Timing. It's often in the middle of the day, which in the end doesn't allow me to do much else.
6. Day. Saturday is the best.

Haiz...
Anyone wanna join me? :D

Life.

Ok.. So it's been awhile since I actually wrote about school, so I'll start now.

School's not so great, as usual...
Late hours, horrible boring subjects, un-interesting teachers...
Yea you get the drift..

We got our official timetable today.
I'm so excited...
The earliest I end is at 2.30...
And wow!
My FAVOURITE PE!
They're twice a week!
I can't wait.... -.-

So far, my class has been unlucky enough to end up with all the boring teachers...
Especially Econs...
Man.. I don't get a single thing...

I seriously got to start working ...
I've forgotten all my basics, and thus am stoned at most areas.
I really gotta move it and start!
To add on, I've got to read the additional stuff piled on.

Wow... JC life is a real breeze...
At the rate I'm going...
I'm starting to fear that I won't get promoted...

Hah... I really need to organise my time...
Divide the remaining time not inclusive of lessons into CCA, studies, and of course dance...
Dance being the only thing that keeps me moving on...
And of course the unique courses and trips coming up for our CCA!

My class is great.
Great people and all.
But unfortunately a lack of guys T.T
Hey! Don't mistake my statement.
Less guys to befriend!
I find guys funner than gals :P
No offense ><

Unfortunately, I've got a horrible CT.
Who's not only irresponsible, but a lousy teacher.
She teachers maths...
And will definitely be teaching us.
In other words... I'm flunking maths.

We haven't had much time to spend as a class as yet.
But from next week onwards, when tutorials officially start, we'll be interacting a lot more with each other.
I look forward to getting to know them better :D

Congratulations to me!

YAY!
I got in!
I did it!
I got it!
I did it!
WHOOO HOOOO~ ><

Since my parents never see anything I do to be proud of, it's seriously shouldn't have been surprising when they didn't this time either.
But I guess a girl can hope no?

They just can't let me be happy.
They always have to leave a dent in my happiness, leaving a mark that somehow can never return to normal.

Others are not interested in knowing anyway.
I'm bubbling with excitement.
I wish to tell everyone!
Tell them proudly that I'm one of the few who made it in.
But either I get interrupted, or something/someone else seems more important.
As always.

So I guess I'm left to congratulate myself.
Pathetic no?

But I don't care.
I should be proud of myself.
I did it!
I got in!
Even without my parents being proud of me or any other setback, I still have the right to feel proud of myself.
To feel that I have accomplished something.

So don' you people DARE burst my bubble!
It's my effort.
IT'S MINE!
I didn't need your help!
I didn't need you there!
I did it on my own!

I'm surprised I got in.
I was afraid...
Really afraid...
Only I'm sure you didn't know it.
Wouldn't care anyway.

I should have gotten used to it...
I feel pitiful longing for attention and wishing for once they could just truly be happy for me.
But I guess I'm still that small child vying for attention though I never seem to get it.

It's always someone/something that is of more importance.
I'm never listen to.
They don't cares.

I just feel like an extra person there for perhaps decorative purposes.
You doubt me at every move.
You don't believe in me.
You think I can't do anything right.
What more accomplish something.

Why can't I just don't care....
Why do I need your attention...
Your time...
Your care...
Your approval...

Just FREAKING LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY!
I wish I was a cold unfeeling person...
Then I wouldn't feel this...

It's Official

So... we all received our posting yesterday.

Before that, there had been the chance that I may possibly in the same school as xd.
Or even the chance that i may be in a school where most amksians went.

Now I'm officially not.

Yesterday... we went to appeal(again) there.
But... As much as I would love to think positively...
My chances are real slim.

In a way, I'm resigned.
But still I hope...

I'm regretting my choices.
I'm really regretting how i ranked the choices of the schools i wanted to apply to.
I'm regretting not learning more about the schools I placed in my choices before I placed them in my choices.

Now, I face the consequences.
I brought it upon myself.
I have no choice.

I'm feeling numb.
Glad for it though.
It pushes aside the panic I feel every time I think of tomorrow...
It holds the tears at bay...
It keeps me hoping...
It prevents me of thinking of what I have now lost...

As I write this post...
It comes back...
Those thoughts and feelings.
And I wish I didn't start this.

As much as I hope.
This will very likely be officially the school I go to.

I'm scared.
I'm lost.
I will be.

The thought of... starting all over.
Of... remaking friends...
Especially for one like me...
Scares me.
Makes me desperate.
I just wanna scream and cry at the same time.

I hate this...

results

Ok.. So we got back our results yesterday...

Yay....?

Gah. I'm not happy with my results.
I know I could have done better.
But again.. It's too late.

So now I'm stuck with my results... and have to make do with it.

Yay... ? I can get into a jc?

Only... Not very good ones though...

So yea.. Now I'm like totally confused.
And am at a lost.

I have no idea what I should put in my choices.
I don't want to go to jc... yet... I don't want to go to poly...

So.. yay?

Gah.
So I have about 3 days left.
I'm still stuck.
Roar.

I don't want to chose.
I don't want to take the step that will affect the route my life will go.

Haiz~