It's Official

So... we all received our posting yesterday.

Before that, there had been the chance that I may possibly in the same school as xd.
Or even the chance that i may be in a school where most amksians went.

Now I'm officially not.

Yesterday... we went to appeal(again) there.
But... As much as I would love to think positively...
My chances are real slim.

In a way, I'm resigned.
But still I hope...

I'm regretting my choices.
I'm really regretting how i ranked the choices of the schools i wanted to apply to.
I'm regretting not learning more about the schools I placed in my choices before I placed them in my choices.

Now, I face the consequences.
I brought it upon myself.
I have no choice.

I'm feeling numb.
Glad for it though.
It pushes aside the panic I feel every time I think of tomorrow...
It holds the tears at bay...
It keeps me hoping...
It prevents me of thinking of what I have now lost...

As I write this post...
It comes back...
Those thoughts and feelings.
And I wish I didn't start this.

As much as I hope.
This will very likely be officially the school I go to.

I'm scared.
I'm lost.
I will be.

The thought of... starting all over.
Of... remaking friends...
Especially for one like me...
Scares me.
Makes me desperate.
I just wanna scream and cry at the same time.

I hate this...