Out of place

I feel so.. out of place.
I'm happy to have made it and gotten into the cca of my choice.
But again... I don't feel that I belong there.

The 2 rounds of elimination and I'm one of the few left standing.
I should be pound of myself no?

Why don't I feel so?

I keep wondering how it was I even got there.
What was it I had that convinced them to chose me?
Why me?
Why not someone else?
What did they see?

As I look at everyone else there... I feel inferior...
Everyone else was open and having fun.
Everyone had a group of friends.
Or at least a friend with them.
I didn't.

At least there's someone from my class too.
She's great.
A great person.
It's not surprising she got in.
But how in the world did I?

I keep asking myself.
What is it I have that the others didn't?
I still come up blank.

I don't think there's anything special about me.
I don't have any ability whatsoever.

Again, as I look around me at those other great people that have been chosen.
A fear comes up within me and I start to panic...
What if I do something wrong?
What if.. the teachers find that they made a mistake in choosing me?
What if...

I've never felt so uncertain and insecure.
I keep thinking that my every move is checked.
That within a group filled with great people, I'll be standing out...
Not as the greatest, but one of the worst...

I'm afraid I won't do well enough.
I'm afraid I'll be given the boot.

Change

I hate change.

I just realised how much I tend to cling on to what has been.
Sometimes I think I'm the only one.
Everyone else moves on.
But I feel as though I'm stuck.

I keep feeling and thinking that I'm the only one who wants what was.

Is it so bad to feel this way?

I think that thinking this way leaves me less open to other situations and people.
It's a hindrance as it narrows my mind-set and leaves me restricted.
I'm looking for sameness.
Something/someone who had something in common with what I had.

I miss what was.
But perhaps it's only me who does.
Everyone else seems rather unaffected by it.

Now I have to start from scratch again.
Adapting to the environment, to the lesson, to the curriculum, to the people.
I hate it.

I feel out of sorts.
In a maze on my own and no one to accompany me.

I don't know if it's true, but perhaps I'm a bit to reserved.
Do I emit some aura which just screams go away leave me alone?
I dunno man.

JC

Jc...
It's just one word.
Crap.

It's totally sucky.
And full of suck.

To think I thought secondary school was bad.

Every one's studying.
I'm not.

Teachers don't exactly make the lessons anymore easier to understand either.
Going at paces where almost no one can catch up with, just so to meet the time.

In the end, what do we get?
Nothing.
Just a carbon copy of the teachers underlined words, circled numerals and unreadable scribbling.
Anything in my head?
No.

And they want us to go for an exam...
I think I'm like just gonna flunk everything.
I 'm quite sure I will fail my very first Chinese exam of the year...
At the rate I'm going.. I'm bound to fail the others too..

I'm starting to panic...
What if...
I'm just not good enough to be promoted?
I don't want to waste another year!

HOW?!

Only way is to study...
Haiz...
How appealing...

SALSA

WHOOO HOOOOO!
I'm continuing salsa!

YES!

OMG salsa is like so cool.
Not to mention fun!

I'm so happy~
Salsa always makes my day :P

Today was the last lesson for the salsa elementary stage 1 course.
We just signed up for the salsa elementary stage 2 course :D
Weeeeee~

So I'm still attending the lesson on the same day at the same time :D

I wish I could join other ballroom/social dances.
But there are certain restrictions.
1. No one to join with me.
2. It there is, time may clash.
3. Time constrain. (I'll always make time for it!)
4 Venue. The CC here only has like one new ballroom/social dance course per month.
5. Timing. It's often in the middle of the day, which in the end doesn't allow me to do much else.
6. Day. Saturday is the best.

Haiz...
Anyone wanna join me? :D

Life.

Ok.. So it's been awhile since I actually wrote about school, so I'll start now.

School's not so great, as usual...
Late hours, horrible boring subjects, un-interesting teachers...
Yea you get the drift..

We got our official timetable today.
I'm so excited...
The earliest I end is at 2.30...
And wow!
My FAVOURITE PE!
They're twice a week!
I can't wait.... -.-

So far, my class has been unlucky enough to end up with all the boring teachers...
Especially Econs...
Man.. I don't get a single thing...

I seriously got to start working ...
I've forgotten all my basics, and thus am stoned at most areas.
I really gotta move it and start!
To add on, I've got to read the additional stuff piled on.

Wow... JC life is a real breeze...
At the rate I'm going...
I'm starting to fear that I won't get promoted...

Hah... I really need to organise my time...
Divide the remaining time not inclusive of lessons into CCA, studies, and of course dance...
Dance being the only thing that keeps me moving on...
And of course the unique courses and trips coming up for our CCA!

My class is great.
Great people and all.
But unfortunately a lack of guys T.T
Hey! Don't mistake my statement.
Less guys to befriend!
I find guys funner than gals :P
No offense ><

Unfortunately, I've got a horrible CT.
Who's not only irresponsible, but a lousy teacher.
She teachers maths...
And will definitely be teaching us.
In other words... I'm flunking maths.

We haven't had much time to spend as a class as yet.
But from next week onwards, when tutorials officially start, we'll be interacting a lot more with each other.
I look forward to getting to know them better :D

Congratulations to me!

YAY!
I got in!
I did it!
I got it!
I did it!
WHOOO HOOOO~ ><

Since my parents never see anything I do to be proud of, it's seriously shouldn't have been surprising when they didn't this time either.
But I guess a girl can hope no?

They just can't let me be happy.
They always have to leave a dent in my happiness, leaving a mark that somehow can never return to normal.

Others are not interested in knowing anyway.
I'm bubbling with excitement.
I wish to tell everyone!
Tell them proudly that I'm one of the few who made it in.
But either I get interrupted, or something/someone else seems more important.
As always.

So I guess I'm left to congratulate myself.
Pathetic no?

But I don't care.
I should be proud of myself.
I did it!
I got in!
Even without my parents being proud of me or any other setback, I still have the right to feel proud of myself.
To feel that I have accomplished something.

So don' you people DARE burst my bubble!
It's my effort.
IT'S MINE!
I didn't need your help!
I didn't need you there!
I did it on my own!

I'm surprised I got in.
I was afraid...
Really afraid...
Only I'm sure you didn't know it.
Wouldn't care anyway.

I should have gotten used to it...
I feel pitiful longing for attention and wishing for once they could just truly be happy for me.
But I guess I'm still that small child vying for attention though I never seem to get it.

It's always someone/something that is of more importance.
I'm never listen to.
They don't cares.

I just feel like an extra person there for perhaps decorative purposes.
You doubt me at every move.
You don't believe in me.
You think I can't do anything right.
What more accomplish something.

Why can't I just don't care....
Why do I need your attention...
Your time...
Your care...
Your approval...

Just FREAKING LEAVE ME ALONE ALREADY!
I wish I was a cold unfeeling person...
Then I wouldn't feel this...