Failure

Sometimes the same feeling keeps rushing over me.
The same old feeling of failin,of dissapointment.

I know I'm incompetent.
But there is no need to keep bringing it up.
Or rubbing it in my face.
I know as the eldest of five children, I have failed miserably.
I KNOW ok!

I know I'm not good enough.
I know I never will be.
I KNOW it.
So DON'T bring it up.
I beg of you!

I hate myself for that.
Hate myself for dissapointing not only me, but you.
I know you no longer have high hopes for me.
I have to say, I can't expect you to after failing you all this time.

The thing is, I've already failed.
I've resigned myself to that.
I can no longer, and am not that high in your eyes.
There are the other siblings to take over me and do better than I have.
For that I'm glad.

But time and time again, you bring it up.
Be it intentionally or unintentionally.
Even her teasing... It hurts you know.
Real bad.

Even today...In the car...
You've set your hopes on her.
I'm sure she'll be the one to make you proud.
I never have.
I doubt I will anymore.
Nothing is enough.
She has done everything I've not.
She won medals, been excepted into good schools, she's the one you've pin your hopes on.
Now I'm at the next stage.
If I fail you again.
It will be she who'll be the one.
And I KNOW I will fail.
I'm not good enough.

I don't have her motivation, determination, kindness and tolerance.
I'll fail you.
That's a sure thing.

~ I hate this ~

A spur of the moment feeling that has been bugging me for ages.
Forgive me for letting it out here.
If you happen to read it, I'm not emo.
I just needed to let it out.